


Heavy In Your Arms

by gakarian



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Post-Destruction of Reapers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 20:50:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9202736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gakarian/pseuds/gakarian
Summary: Garrus Vakarian volunteers for an excavation of the Citadel, weeks after it was nearly decimated by the Crucible.  Will he find peace, closure? Or something else?





	

“I love you, Garrus Vakarian!  Now go!”

Those words had been ringing in his head, plaguing his mind every moment.  From the minute he awoke in the mornings to the second he drifted off to sleep at night, he heard it constantly.

“Go!  Get out of here!”

He knew it was a time for celebration, and a time for rehabilitation.  The Reapers had been eradicated from the Milky Way.  Trillions of lives had been saved, all thanks to a human commander who brought several species together to fight against a common enemy.  Life as he knew it could continue, survive, and recover from this dastardly war.

But all he could see was the face of the woman he loved, kissing him, telling him she loved him, and then pushing him away, running for the Citadel beam, effectively killing herself in sacrifice for the galaxy.

The look on her face made him proud, but killed him inside just the same.  It was a look that said, “I know what I have to do, and I’m gonna make sure no one else has to do it ever again.”  It was an expression that showed she knew her responsibility, her duty, her drive to see her mission to its end.  As if it didn’t wasn’t enough pain to hear those last words every minute he was awake, it certainly was enough to see that face everywhere he looked.

Spirits.  He would do anything to see her face again, right in front of him.  To hear her voice, feel her hands on his cheeks, kiss her lips, press his forehead against hers and just listen to her _breathe_.  He would do anything to have her back.

So, when Admiral Hackett issued orders for the Alliance to comb through the ruins of the Citadel, he did everything he could to get involved.  Maybe he would find peace, maybe he wouldn’t find anything.  He didn’t know.  But it was worth a try.

There he stood in the cargo port of the Admiral’s ship, the Normandy, beside Liara T’soni, waiting for the shuttle to signal the OK so they could deploy to the wreckage that was the Citadel.

It was quiet.  He kept checking over his sniper rifle; an M-92 Mantis V, straight from the Commander’s arsenal.  It was her favorite rifle, despite its clip and reserve size.  What it lacked in ammunition, it made up for plenty in damage.  She carried it everywhere, but left it on the Normandy when they headed for Earth.  He still wasn’t sure why, but it was one of the only things he had left of her.  Any turian would be a little self-conscious carrying around a bright red gun with an N7 emblem on it, but it was Shepard’s gun.  It didn’t matter to him in the slightest.

“Garrus,” Liara started, and Garrus kept quiet, flicking the safety on and off.  “Are you sure this is… the best thing for you to do right now?”

“What do you mean?” he asked absently.  He stared down the scope, adjusting the zoom, though there wasn’t much he could adjust for with no enemies in a human cargo port.

“What if we…” She sighed, taking ahold of the barrel of the rifle, and lowering it so he’d look at her.  “What if we don’t… find her?”

“But what if we do?”  Garrus pulled the rifle from her grasp, flicking the safety back on and sliding it into its holster on his back.  “What’s your point?”

“If we find her, is that how you want to remember her?”  Liara’s voice grew a bit sterner.  “Because if we find her, you’re going to remember that for the rest of your life.”

“No offense, T’soni, but I don’t need advice on how to mourn for the woman I loved.”  Garrus walked past her toward the shuttle.  “Are we about ready yet?” he shouted toward the Alliance engineer, who seemed like he was just sitting around, doing nothing.

“Garrus,” Liara sighed, following him.  “I’m not trying to tell you how to grieve for her.  I’m trying to get you to understand that—”

“That what?”  Garrus quickly faced her, his nose inches away from her forehead, intimidatingly tall.  “That my girlfriend died?  That Shepard likely died a grisly, painful death?  Alone?  Is that what you’re trying to get me to understand?  Because I understood that from the moment I got the news, Liara.  No, I understood that the second the Normandy took off without her, the second she looked me in the eyes and said, ‘I love you, now get out of here.’  I understood it then, and I understand it clearly now.”  His fists were clenched, voice tight with pain and anger.  After a moment of cold silence, Liara trying to think of what to say, his hands relaxed, and he sighed, rubbing his head, and turning.  “I just… I need to see it for myself.  It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t give me peace.  It doesn’t matter if the nightmares get worse, if her voice gets louder in my head and I start seeing her dead face everywhere I go and my heart shatters into a million damn pieces.  I’ve got to see it, and I’ve got to know for myself.  Because if I don’t, I’m going to keep on hoping there’s a chance she’s still alive.  And that hurts worse with time than the thought of seeing her killed right in front of my face.”

Liara hesitated, reaching out to touch his shoulder.  He shifted away from her, heading toward the shuttle.  “I’m sorry, Garrus.”

 

Once their shuttle reached the Citadel, they didn’t even get a chance to soak in all the damage before Admiral Hackett contacted their team via Omni-tool.

“Preliminary scans detected life signs all over the ruins,” Hackett began as Garrus and Liara slowly made their way inside.  “All power had been automatically diverged to maintain the oxygen atmosphere, which is a hopeful sign.  Most of the life signs have been identified as the Citadel’s Keepers, but here—” A hologram of the Citadel’s recent scans appeared above Garrus’ Omni-tool, and a red line pointed to a small cluster of heat signatures, right at the center of the Citadel.  “Here, we haven’t been able to reach.  Too much debris in the way, too many…” He sighed.  “Too many bodies.  I’m sending a small team with you to reach that cluster of life signs, equipped with heavy weaponry to get through the debris.  We can’t start identifying and mourning our dead until we can save whoever we can.  Is that clear?”

“Yes, Admiral,” Liara replied.  “We’ll get it done.”

“Good.  Be careful.”  Hackett paused.  “And if you can find any record of Shepard, get in contact with me again.  We’ll send a shuttle to…”  He coughed.  “Just… do what you can to find her.  I know that’s why you two signed on.  It’s the top priority.”

“Yes, sir.”

“All right.  Hackett out.”

Garrus stood there, staring at the life signs.  He seemed like he hadn’t even been listening to the Admiral, just kept his eyes on the cluster of heat signatures, right in the heart of the structure.

“Garrus?”  Liara placed a hand on his shoulder.

He looked up, then quickly closed the hologram, clearing his throat.  “You heard the orders.  Let’s move.”

It was a grisly sight, the second they stepped onto the Citadel.  The hallway they’d been transported to was filled to the brim with dead bodies of nearly every race, every species.  Garrus could see Liara choke back a gasp, then a gulp, as if she were going to throw up, and he stopped, giving her a look.  She motioned for them to continue, covering her mouth as they walked.

They passed a few Keepers as they walked, all silently cleaning the debris and bodies away, as if the Citadel wasn’t a ruin, as if it was still the interspecies hub for the galaxy.  As the silence began to close around them, deafeningly so, Garrus sped up the pace, gently pulling a body to the side before pushing a large, thick sheet of damaged metal out of the way for everyone to move forward.

Soon, they reached their first obstacle, remarkably close to the center of the station.  Signaling for the men to move forward, Liara and Garrus stood back as a missile launcher loudly cleared the path of debris.  The men extinguished any remaining fire to avoid causing further damage to the already unrecognizable bodies nearby, and they carried on.

Everything was black, and tarnished, and covered in blood.  The smell of old, dried blood filled their noses, rank and painful, and they sped up the pace, clearing debris as quickly as they could before they finally reached what looked like a shadowy center chamber, a darkened, inactive command console amid it all.

Several Keepers were gathered around the room, cleaning up the wreckage and rubble.  But what caught Garrus’ attention was the Keeper in the center of them all, seemingly doing nothing.

Garrus slowly walked toward the Keeper, pulling out his gun.  He looked down the scope, trying to see past the Keeper’s long legs.

An N7 dog tag glinted in his sights, and his eyes widened, slinging his rifle over his shoulder and running toward the Keeper.

“Garrus, wait!” Liara shouted, and every Keeper in the room stopped their work, eyes pointed directly towards Garrus.  But he reached the Keeper, getting around it, finding—

Spirits.  Half her armor had been blasted off.  She had a scabbed-up gash in the head from the impact, several scrapes along her arms.  She wasn’t moving; her eyes were closed.

Liara caught up to him, panting, then gasped, backing away.  Her eyes welled with tears, and she looked away.  “By the Goddess.”

Garrus stood there silently, staring at her.  Committing the face to memory.  That beautiful, pale, freckled face, painfully scraped and bruised.  The first thought that came to mind was, _Thank the spirits her eyes were closed when she went._   He didn’t know what he’d do if he had to see her eyes now, cold, dark, faded.  He couldn’t pry his eyes away, just knelt beside her, reaching out, pressing his hand against her cheek.  She was so cold.

Something moved from the bottom of his sight.  He blinked, glancing down at her chest, figuring it was just the light shining off her dog tag.  He took it in his hand, gently, as not to disturb her, when he realized it was her _chest_ moving.

She was _breathing_.

“Holy—” Garrus quickly shook her, eyes widening.  “Shepard!  Shepard, wake up!”

Liara’s face turned horrified, and she tried to pull Garrus away, tears streaming down her face.  “Garrus, she’s—She’s dead, Garrus, you have to—”

“I saw her breathing,” Garrus shouted, pushing Liara away.  “Call Hackett, this is an emergency! She’s breathing, Liara, her chest is moving!”  Garrus quickly cupped Shepard’s cheek, gently hitting it a few times.  “Shepard, wake _up_!”

Shepard suddenly gasped, painfully, her lungs rattling as she breathed, her bright blue eyes shooting open.  She coughed hard, turning over onto her stomach, struggling to keep herself up as she nearly hacked up her lungs.

Liara blinked in disbelief.  Once the shock left her body, she set up a quick call to Hackett, stammering the second the call connected, “Shepard is alive, Admiral! We need medical in here right away!”

“She’s—She’s alive?” Admiral Hackett asked, clearly alarmed.  “She’s really alive?”

“Admiral, we need medical in here, ASAP!” Liara repeated loudly.  Shepard was starting to cough up blood.  Garrus held onto her closely, rubbing her back.

“I just sent word to Dr. Chakwas.  She’s on the next shuttle in.”

“Hold on, Shepard, we’re gonna get through this,” Garrus whispered, holding her up as her arms gave out underneath her.  She wheezed something incomprehensible, gripping onto Garrus’ arms tightly.  “Don’t try to talk.  It’s okay.  I’m right here.”

 

Liara walked into the med bay of the Normandy, expectedly finding Garrus sitting beside Shepard’s bed.  It was quiet; Garrus was holding her hand as he read through some data on his Omni-tool.  Shepard was sleeping soundly, stronger breaths visible from her chest’s movement.  Dr. Chakwas was standing beside her, administering another dosage of what looked like pain medication.  She met Liara’s eyes, finished what she was doing, then met her at her desk.

“How is she doing?” Liara asked quickly, eyes darting back and forth between Shepard and the doctor.  “Is there anything she needs that I can get?  I have resources—”

“Relax.”  Dr. Chakwas touched Liara’s shoulder.  “We have everything we need here, Liara.  She’s going to make a full recovery, by the looks of it. It’ll be a long recovery, though.”

Liara’s eyes lowered to the ground, wrapping her arms around her own chest tightly.  “I didn’t… I never thought…  It’s been weeks, Karin, I didn’t think—”

“No one thought she would be alive, Liara.  It’s not your fault.”  Dr. Chakwas glanced back at her with a smile.  “She’s probably been _unconscious_ for weeks.  Slows down your body’s need for food or water.”  She chuckled.  “Tough little woman.  She’s been through so much, yet she keeps coming back out on top.  Death’s never going to catch up to her.”

Liara smiled faintly.  “This seemed like the end of it all.  I thought…” She shook her head.  “It doesn’t matter.  I was wrong.  Thankfully so.”  She looked at Garrus, who was now glancing over Shepard’s facial scratches, gently cleaning them with a wash cloth.  “How has he been?” she asked quietly.

“Getting in my way, constantly.”  She laughed.  “Understandably so.  It can’t be easy to mourn your love for weeks, then find out she wasn’t even dead after all.”

“He had a reason to hope.”  Liara sighed.  “He had a reason not to put her name up on the memorial wall.”

“Something I always admired about turians,” Karin smiled.  “Once they get a thought in their heads, they won’t stop until they’re proven wrong.  They go full-in, even if it hurts them.”

Garrus was now kissing her bandage-covered forehead, running his fingers through her hair.  Liara saw Shepard’s eyes fluttering open, and she looked at Chakwas, motioning her hand towards Shepard.  Chakwas quickly walked over to her, Liara tagging behind.

“Shepard, can you hear me?” Karin loudly said, getting out her small flashlight and examining Shepard’s eyes.  “Don’t try to speak, just nod if you’re able to hear me.”

Shepard faintly nodded, clearing her throat with a wince.  Garrus took her hand, clasping their fingers together tightly.

“Do you know where you are, Shepard?”  Karin opened Shepard’s mouth, shining the flashlight inside to check her throat.  Shepard shook her head, her breath hitching in a slight cough.  “You’re in the med bay of the Normandy.  You were at the Citadel.  Do you remember being at the Citadel?”

Shepard’s voice was scratchy and hoarse, and she suddenly tried to sit up, her face lit up in fear.  “The—The Reapers—”

“They’re gone.  You did your job, Shepard, now let me do mine.  What did I say about trying to talk?”  Chakwas pushed her back down onto the bed as gently as she could, grabbing her stethoscope and pressing it against her chest.  “Breathe for me.  Deep breaths.”

 

It seemed like it was just test after test, examination after examination, weeks of constant monitoring and medication and amounts of medigel that made her head spin, that, when she was finally allowed to reside back in her cabin, she ran like a bat out of hell.  Well, staggered, actually, since she was still nursing a broken leg and a damaged lung back to health.  It still hurt a little to breathe, and she wasn’t exactly able to run with a crutch.  But she went as fast as she could back to her quarters.

Not that escaping back to her quarters did much good, because Liara had contacted nearly every one of her former squadmates, her friends, her acquaintances, her former colleagues, and every single one of them were hellbent on visiting her, now that she was alive.

She was still trying to wrap her mind around it all.  She didn’t remember much else other than pulling the trigger on that… machine?  That thing, lit up all red to let her know that was her target if she chose to destroy the Reapers.  And the little boy… The Catalyst?  There was too much going on inside her head, trying to remember exactly what happened up in the Citadel.  It made her head ache.  She’d faltered just for a moment up there, just a measly second, and that almost cost everyone their lives.  She knew she did what she had to do, but even then, there were those tiny lingering doubts, like bugs, crawling around in her head.

It didn’t matter, though.  Not now, at least.  Garrus was on his way up.

She cleared her throat, leaning against her crutch as she looked over her fish tank.  All the fish were still there, still being fed, still oblivious to everything that was going on outside that limited tank.

She was jealous.  She wished she could be that oblivious.  But she guessed if she were oblivious enough to not worry about the Reapers, she obviously wouldn’t care about being stuck in a damn fish tank until the food ran out, either.

“Shepard.”

She nearly jumped, glancing behind her, seeing that Garrus had just walked in.  He was carrying something, a big duffle bag.  She cleared her throat again, her voice hoarse.  “Didn’t see you there.  How are you?”

Garrus set the bag down at his feet before walking over to her.  “That’s my line.”

Shepard smiled faintly, her gaze going back to the fish.  “Is this the part where I unload my problems onto you and you try to make me feel better with your turian charm?”

“You’ve probably got a bit of unloading to do, I’m sure.”  Garrus stood beside her, wrapping an arm around her waist.  “Then again, you could always listen to me unload for a change, then you could unload on the fish.  I know you talk to them.”

Shepard scoffed faintly; a mistake that quickly sent her into a coughing fit.  Garrus rubbed her back through it, and she sighed once it was over, looking at him with tired eyes.  “Unload on me.  You’re the only person I’d rather think about right now.”

“Are you sure?  I’ve been holding back,” Garrus teased mildly, and she smiled, doing her best to stumble over to the bed.

“I can handle whatever you throw at me.”  Garrus sat down next to her, resting his hand on her knee, his smile fading.  “What are you thinking?”

It took a moment for Garrus to get it out.  “I… I’ve been thinking about you.  Constantly.  It’s driving me crazy.”

Shepard tilted her head.  “About me?”

“About you, about you almost dying, about you _actually_ dying, about you almost sacrificing your life for the sake of everyone else.”  Garrus took a breath.  “And about me, sitting in this room for weeks, waiting for Hackett to finally hit the ‘go’ button on our Citadel excavation mission, so I could maybe get some peace, because you, you know, ‘died’.”

Shepard was quiet for a minute.  “You spent a lot of time in here, grieving for me, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”  He laughed suddenly.  “You wanna know what I kept thinking about, Shepard?”

“What?”

“That face you made at me, the last time we spoke.  When Liara and I got hurt in that field leading up to the Citadel beam.”  He looked down, shaking his head.  “You had this look on your face.  It’s hard to describe.  You were heartbroken, I could tell.  But you were… determined.  It was a look that said, ‘I know what I have to do, and I’m gonna make sure no one else has to do it ever again.’  Like you were damn well ready to sacrifice your own life to make sure no one would ever have to face the threat of the Reapers ever again.”  He laughed.  “It hurt so damn bad to see that look on your face, because I knew it meant you were ready to lose it all.  But it made me proud, too.  More than proud, _honored_ that I knew you.”

Shepard smiled sadly, clasping her hand in his.  “I should hire you to write my biography.  That was pretty good.”

Garrus laughed, a gentle sound that was music to her ears.  He cleared his throat, looking at her with the brightest smile he could manage.  “I’ll do whatever you damn well please, Shepard, as long as you stay with me this time.”

“That’s a promise I’m gonna keep ‘til the day I die.”  Shepard leaned in, pecking his lips.  Her voice grew quiet.  “We’re retiring.  We’re going to some world with a house that has a beachfront view, and we’re hunkering it down like an elderly couple for the rest of our lives.  You’re never getting rid of me.  You hear me?”

“Loud and clear, Commander.”  Garrus looked into her eyes for a moment, then faltered, glancing over at the duffle bag.  “Oh, I… have something for you.”

“Oh?” Shepard smiled as he got up and grabbed the bag, bringing it over to her.  “Is it a big gun?  Because, sadly, I think I’m going to give up big guns.”

“Never say never.”  Garrus unzipped the bag, carefully pulling out the sniper rifle he’d been carrying for the past few weeks.  “Figured you’d want this back.”

Shepard blinked.  “Is that… my Mantis?”

“The one and only.”

Shepard’s face lit up, taking hold of the gun and looking it over.  “They kept it in the arsenal?  Even with the custom paint and the mods?”

“Actually, I kept it.”  Garrus ran his hand down its barrel.

She looked up at him, smiling.  “You’re joking.  Even with the paint job?  You carried around a bright red N7 rifle?”

“Well, Shepard, it was _your_ rifle.  I wasn’t letting go of the damn thing.”  He tilted his head as she looked down the scope, feeling the weight of the rifle in her hands before setting it down.  “I’m sure I got a few looks, but I never cared.”

She made sure the safety was on before setting it back down against her night stand.  She then took his face in both her hands, planting a kiss on his lips with a smile.  “You’re the goddamn love of my life.  You know that?”

“So, I take it you’re not giving up big guns?” Garrus joked, resting his hand atop hers on his face.  “I figure we’ll need a little protection anyway, seeing as we’re going straight to the beachfront property once we retire.”

“Good thinking.”  She pecked his lips again, then leaned against him, sighing.  “Let me know when to put my resignation in.”

“You might want to do it soon, because…” Garrus wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her close, “I have something else for you.”

She laughed, pulling away, giving him an amused look.  “What’s with the gifts?  ‘Congratulations on being alive?’”

“No, just… some things I should’ve done before.”  Garrus grabbed something small out of the duffle bag, something concealable in his hand, and she raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms.  “I’d been researching on human customs, trying to figure out the right way to do this.  The vids don’t explain anything, of course.”  He chuckled, standing in front of her.  “But I think I’ve got the gist of it down.”  He suddenly knelt before her, and her eyes widened.  “You’re an incredible woman, Shepard.  More than I deserve.  More than I’d ever hoped for in my life.  And the fact that we’ve survived so much together… It just feels like a sign.  And you know I don’t really believe in that sort of thing, but… Damn, I’m just so lucky to have you.”  He opened his hand, revealing a box, which he opened to show a small silver band with a single diamond in the center.  He hesitated for a minute, then laughed, rubbing his head.  “I forgot what you call it.  Will you… bond with me?  Shit, that’s not it—”

Shepard quickly took the ring, slipping it on her ring finger, then pulled him up into her arms, smiling widely.  “Yes, Garrus Vakarian, I’ll marry you.”


End file.
